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Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Trivial Matters: Military Recruiting on College Campuses

I'm well aware that I may lose readership through reporting trivial matters. I know I should be talking about the issues of national import: Will the Runaway Bride still marry her fiancee? And exactly how much money did she lose in Vegas? Will the evil DA in Georgia prosecute this young victim who merely got cold feet? Or that other issue that truly effects us all; did Paula help Idol contestants in inappropriate ways, up to and including "special coaching" in her bedroom?

But, I have to leave such important stories to Drudge, Hannity and the 24 hour news channels. I'm only a blogger, after all. So on to trivial stuff, certainly not as important to our National Security as Jennifer, Paula, and, lest we forget, Michael.

One story, which pales in significance compared to the above earth-shattering revelations, is that the Supreme Court has decided to look at the Solomon Amendment. The amendment, stating that universities must allow military recruiting on campus if they accept federal funds, was struck down by a Federal Appeals Court. This has allowed Universities to recieve millions of dollars in funding, yet keeps military recruiters off their sacred campuses in wartime.

This decision by college officials protects their innocent students from hearing about the military industrial complex, and keeps their virgin ears from being corrupted by the thought that military service might be a good thing.

After all, one must maintain the God-given right of free speech on campus by banning speech from anyone in a military uniform.

Oh wait. Can't say "God-given right." Let's see, how about Providence inspired right to free speech? Nope. Too close to God-given. I got it! Here we go...

After all, one must maintain the American Civil Liberties Union protected, not in any way inspired by any form of religion, conferred by the culture as it is now but may change in the future based on court decision, right...sorry...privilege granted by the fascist State...of free speech by banning speech from anyone in a military uniform.

Oh, jeez. Sorry. I realize that word military is offensive to those on college campuses. Please replace that awful word with "repressive representatives of the fascist government."

Wait. That word "speech" may be deemed offensive to those who can't speak. How about "free expression?" Nope. May offend those who are manually challenged with no arms.

And, that word "anyone" is deeply offensive to those of us who have multiple personalities, and should be referred to as "anytwo" or anyfourhundred" depending on the number of residents in that particular head....

Sigh. Please return to viewing those issues of national importance, like why IS Scott Savol still on Idol? while I look for ways to make that last statement so inoffensive it would even by accepted at an Ivy League university. (I imply no offense to those of you who are Vegans by using the discriminatory word "Ivy.")

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